Think of a time when you’re sick; what do you do next? Go to Google.com, of course, to research your symptoms. It doesn’t matter if it’s physical sickness or mental health; I go online for help. I guess I want to see if what I am going through is normal. Grief doesn’t only come after the passing of a loved one. Grief can happen after a breakup or with a diagnosis. Grief can make you feel like life is over as you know it, and you can lose the most important thing we have, which is hope. After googling the five stages of grief, I returned with this illustration. I learned that grief is like a wave; you can move back and forth to different stages. One day I can be totally okay (acceptance stage), and the next, I will be crying in bed in the middle of the night (depression). What I am trying to say is, there is no right way to grieve, and you don’t have to share how you are feeling with everyone. It’s okay to talk to one or two trusted people. I am currently going through grief, and I’m not comfortable telling you why; all I know is that I feel better after I write. I hope I can at least help someone else who is reading this and going through grief, too; you’re not alone. So here it is, here are the five stages of grief:

Denial

This was the first reaction I had. Going through denial is how humans react to things that hurt them; it’s a way to keep ourselves safe because humans naturally dislike pain. Unfortunately, denial doesn’t help you, but it is necessary for a short moment, but the only way to get to the next stage is to go through it.

Bargaining

After that stage, I skipped over to bargaining. I bargained with God so much. I said, “you can literally have anything I have except the health of myself and my loved ones.” My mind was like a broken tape recorder repeating the same prayer over and over and over again. What’s worse is, I didn’t hear anything back.

Anger

I felt angry at God for allowing this to happen. Life was over as I knew it. I was so confused. I was so angry; I get mad still if I think about it.

Depression

Everyone goes through depression in different ways and for various lengths of time. I cried; I cried a lot on a nickel drop when I thought about it. Going through depression can mean you stop caring about everything else you used to care about and resort to escape outlets such as drugs, sex, food, or sleep. For me, I gave up on caring about how I looked or my general health. I show up to work with no makeup, my hair in a bun, and barely speaking to anyone. One of the worse feelings is that life is moving on as usual around you.

Acceptance

I have come to terms that this is my life now; I have not entirely accepted it because I jump back and forth to denial, depression, anger, and bargaining. I don’t know if I ever will fully get it. This has changed who I am. I think this has changed me, but not for the better. I am numb; I feel nothing; I feel very little joy in my life. I know I will be okay, but I don’t think I will ever be the person I used to be. All I can do is hope I do go back to that person. The saddest part is seeing who I love suffering.

I’m sorry I came back here with such a gloomy blog post; I’m shocked that I am even posting this. I hope this helps someone not feel alone. If you need anyone to talk to, I am here for you; we are here for each other.

-With love,

Amanda